Monsters in the Closet

Paint fumes are hovering in the inner cavities of my head and are playing tricks with my stomach and parching my throat as they struggle for an exit. Greg and I spent all day painting, it was steady process, room by room, inch by inch, nervous endlessness when starting and excited anticipation when ending. Between brush strokes, rollers and fumes, I had a lot of time to think today, about this house, this second installment in the Greg and Tanya future show. Was it going to work out, were we crazy, would the 10 years it would take to realize our investment be long difficult ones for the sake of a house, that I will never live in.

I think most of our choices have a 50/50 chance, I know the process of making decisions is to weigh it all up opting for choices in your favour, but the riskiest and juiciest choices are generally stacked against you, and you have to run the race to know the outcome. Buying this second house and positioning us in huge debt once loomed large in my mind as I tried to add up all the disasters and come up with exit plans and rescue measures. But rarely in any given moment do I not know exactly what to do, and every moment seems to come to its own fanciful conclusion, if it’s bad I learn a lot, if it’s good I learn a lot, at the end of the day all my experiences seem to take me to the same place. I don’t know if we have made a good decision I don’t know if we have made a bad decision, all I know is that everything is ok day, and any little hitches the spilt paint, the exhaustion were dealt with as they came, the only thing I can’t seem to deal with is the disasters of the mind.

It’s a bit like being scared of the monsters in the closet without really ever knowing if there are monsters in the closet.