Days Of Our Lives

As hard as I have been trying to remain positive and move forward, last night I just broke down and cried for a couple of hours. It was 'Days of Our Lives' meets a country and western song as I had to admit to myself just how afraid and lost I felt - about my life and it's purpose.

For as long as I can remember I have believed that every human being is here to fulfill a 'purpose', a higher good both for themselves and the universe at large. Although I wanted and craved success in some measure for my whole life, this belief was beyond that. I had a certainty that carrying out my 'purpose' regardless of its result would feel meaningful and bring a peace and contentment to my soul. Somehow this idea of purpose got fused into the idea of work, with what I wanted to do with my life needing to carry meaning for the world. As it turned out it does not really work that way.

A few years ago, in an attempt to fulfill my 'purpose' I went to Wilcannia to teach at the central school there, Wilcannia is 14 hours away from Sydney, a dust bowl in the middle of no where with a shop, a pub and a service station. The school has a 99% Aboriginal population with a mixture, of neglected, abused, violent and sad children. It was one of the most devastating experiences of my life to see these kids, with no food, sexually abused, not aware of their birthdays and sometimes parents, and with absolutely no wish to live differently. I thought since art saved my life and gave me the aspiration to be better and live better, that it could do the same for these children. I was so wrong, and the whole experience was so painful. And so went my various attempts to find this 'purpose'.

I have reached the point now where my belief in this 'purpose' is shaken to its core and I have to surrender and accept, work, life, my artistic practise, writing and living for exactly what it is. I am beginning to realise that perhaps, we don't decide or even direct this 'purpose'. That all we can do is accept our lives and prepare our souls for when this 'purpose' comes to us. With this realisation I was reading the 'The Power of Now' and felt like I was directly spoken to.

"Surrender does not transform what is, at least not directly. Surrender transforms you. When you are transformed, your whole world is transformed, because the world is only a reflection".

It reminded me of the story of 'The Fisher King', who sort the Holy Grail to heal his wounded legs and aching body, he sent out his best knights and none were able to return with the grail. Then one day he is sitting in his court yard, when a beggar passes him, the king asks the beggar for a glass of water. When he drinks from the cup the beggar gives him, he is immediately healed and realises he is holding the holy grail. He asks the beggar how did you secure what my best and brightest could not. The beggar replies that he doesn't know, all he knows that the King was thirsty and he brought him water.

Life is indeed in the details, perhaps I have been missing the small offerings I could make today, in search of a grail that is already mine.