HAVE A BABY NOW!!!!

The weather today has been like an emotional women, strong gusts of wind have given to sudden bouts of pelting rain only to relief into patches of blue and golden orange skies, which then cloud over into sullen grey masses heavy with emotion. I know how she feels I have been going through the four seasons myself of late. I haven't written in a week because I have been thinking about what to write rather than writing what I have been thinking about.

Which has mostly consisted of what I can only describe as a deranged obsession with becoming pregnant, so focused have I been on seeing two blue lines on that ridiculous pee test, that the span of my thinking has been held in the tiny space between those lines. During what can only be described a mini meltdown yesterday my friend Xanthe called and eloquently assured me that a flood of hormones are rushing through my body screaming "HAVE A BABY NOW" at the top of their lungs. Given that I have not had the decency to comply they have become ever more insistent.

Going from being a women who could pretty much take it or leave it to the beast I am now who would virtually run over someone in my car to have a baby, has left me reeling and kind of ashamed. I have become so focused on the actual pregnancy that I have given little thought to the baby or more importantly what the hell I plan to do with a baby, and how my life would change. I went for a long walk today and thought beyond the blue line, I imagined what my day would have been like today if I had a baby now. I predicted that a) I would be exhausted from not enough sleep and constantly having my breasts pumped for food b) I would not have had time to chat to my friends, do a leisurely shop at Fratelli or go for a walk to take in the fresh cool air c) I would most likely smell like spew and be wearing some foreign outfit concocted from random items that still fit. Obviously I would also have a lovely little creature snuggling into my neck and cooing for milk. But I realised I need to enjoy this time in my life, where I have relative freedom, privacy, completely spew free days, and my breasts are still objects of desire and rather than bowsers for milk.

We live such constructed and ordered lives, things are planned and we strive towards meeting those plans, rarely is it an option to let things take their course when we are so ingrained that we must control the path our lives take. Having a baby is one of our few connections with the natural order of life, it is a mysterious process which happens deep within us and must follow its own timing and course, it can't be contrived or controlled and trying to do so has left me feeling anxious and crazy.

I have spent the last couple of days punishing myself for these constant streams of thoughts and worries, now I think of each of these thoughts as prayers to those spirit beings that become our perfect children, each thought is an affirmation of love and longing assuring these spirits yet to be that although life can be a little rough, there is someone committed to theirs.